FINALLY: The secret to a fulfilling life. It's not only to eliminate your arguments. Neither is it just more money, nor even more time. It doesn't lie in having outstanding relationships - although all of these are indeed important.

A fulfilling life is deceptively simple: - to achieve what you really want. Although there are probably many areas that need attention, this is a good place to start. Here you will learn how to...

Eliminate your Arguments!

Arguments generally leave us feeling bad, which is an extremely good reason for choosing to eliminate them. And eliminating them is indeed possible, it's actually very simple. Of course, this is not to say that it's easy.

Many people think that simple and easy mean the same thing, there's often a lot of confusion between the two. In fact, there is no correlation between simple and easy:



Simple and easy are just not related. To see this, just think of stopping smoking. This is actually very, very simple! How so?

Here's how to stop smoking: - just never, never, ever put another cigarette in your mouth!

Most people find this very difficult, although doing this, or rather not doing this, is extremely simple! Such confusion between things so er.. simple.. as simple and easy is a very common - though often ignored form - of self-sabotage.

An Argument with my Boss

I had to laugh. It was a warm summer's day in London, many years ago, and I had just resolved an argument with my boss, David. What was so funny was his reaction. Even though I had stopped arguing and agreed with him, he kept insisting he was right.

It had started out as a disagreement, and soon turned into an argument. I can't even remember what it was about! David insisted that something was so, and I said it was not.

Even when I had made the effort to understood his perspective, I declined to agree with him. The more he insisted he was right - and he insisted he was right most of the time - the more I dug my heels in. Eventually, we agreed to differ and I left his office to climb the narrow stairs to mine.

As I climbed the stairs, I reflected on what had just happened. I saw how obstinate I was being, and realized that arguing was just a waste of time and energy. I didn't like the way arguments made me feel. Why do it, I asked myself? I now understood his perspective, and realized that, from his position, he was right.

Five Minutes Later...

As soon as I reached my office, the phone rang. It was David. He wasn't going to let me get away with it!

"I'm right and you're wrong!" he insisted. His obnoxious manner tempted me to continue the argument. But I now understood his perspective. "Yes, you're right," I replied. He didn't hear me.

"This is the way it is, and I'm right, you're wrong." he repeated. "I agree," said I, "you are right."

We went round the same loop several more times. Then there was a stunned silence for a long time.

"I'm what?' he said eventually. "You're right," I repeated yet again. "I now understand your perspective, and you are right."

Since I had stopped disagreeing with him, there was no more resistance, and he had nothing to push against. "Well, of course I'm right," he said weakly, and I agreed yet again that indeed he was.

It's even funnier in retrospect than it was at the time. When I stopped resisting, the lack of resistance put him totally off balance. The argument was over as soon as I had made the effort to understood his perspective and became willing to let him know that I understood.

What is an Argument?

Arguments happen when both people decide the other person is wrong. When you both insist the other is wrong. Which is usually when you think you are right.

When you are being right, you will ignore their perspective and try to persuade them that you are right. This close-mindedness creates tremendous problems. Yet how often do people do this? Most people have sabotaged important relationships in some way, even with those closest to them, by being right.

The outcome is unhappiness for one or both of you. So why do it? Because you think you are right! And, from your perspective, you may indeed be right. Yet there is always another perspective. The far more interesting question is:


This vital question suggests that being happy needs you to ignore your own truth, and accept the other as right. Or to compromise in some way. Which itself just perpetuates a simple misunderstanding!

Yet most of the time, arguing with someone is just a waste of energy. When someone has decided they are right, they have chosen their viewpoint, and are not about to change it.

There's a delightful slogan which sums up the rigidity of this position:

What Happened with My Boss?

What happened with David? David had a different perspective on the subject. I didn't understand his perspective and he didn't understand mine.

Since David is a different person, with a different set of values, goals, and aspirations, not to mention a totally different set of teachings and experiences, of course he has another viewpoint. And his viewpoint, along with his beliefs, is what is so for him. This is his viewpoint, and how can we disagree with where he's at? Of course he's right - from his perspective.

Mind you, the same thing was true for me. My viewpoint was right for me as well. We were both right.

The Real Problem

When we disagree, the real problem is that so many people think 'I am right' also means ‘You must be wrong’...

Since we were both insisting we were right, we both thought this also meant the other must be wrong. Yet does it actually mean this? Could it instead mean that we don't understand the other person's thinking?

This is a far more powerful viewpoint - it puts the power back in our own hands. It simply means our understanding is lacking, that we need to put more effort into understanding the other person's perspective.

Don't Avoid Arguments - Eliminate Them!

Rather put your energy into understanding his/her viewpoint... And then there won't be an argument, because he/she will have convinced you that they are right! And from where they stand, they are right. It's just that their perspective is different from yours - since you're disagreeing, it must be different!

Their perspective may indeed be severely limited, yet so is yours. Hopefully less so, but still limited. When you realize your perspective is limited - it must be since you disagree - then the solution becomes obvious, you need to expand it.

So hear them out, put in the effort to really understand their position. Everyone wants to be heard, and sometimes an argument can simply be a desire to be listened to.

So, instead of getting into an argument, instead respond along the following lines:


Then listen carefully. This lets them know they're being heard, engages them in an interesting conversation and, most importantly, you'll learn something new about them.

Sometimes this will even enable you to modify your viewpoint to become more effective, a higher perspective with more power. And becoming more effective is crucial if you do want to have what you want!

When you understand their position is right (for them, but maybe not for you) then you agree with them. If you were in their shoes, with their exact context, of course you'd think the same. They think they are right and so do you. So how can you argue with them?

This doesn't mean they won't argue with you. It's of no concern whether or not they bother to understand your viewpoint. For many people, the important thing is to be right. Yet consider, if progress is what you want, it's far more valuable to gain the extra power available from his/her different perspective.

So even if it's ONLY you who is prepared to listen carefully to the other’s perspective, you BOTH win.

This is not a compromise, it's understanding their perspective. A compromise usually leaves both parties feeling unhappy, and so does little to create a real long term solution. An argument rarely happens when one of you is prepared to listen carefully to the other's viewpoint. And does not to make the other wrong. This only takes one person. You.

My Original Perspective

How do I know all this? When young, I used to argue. If I disagreed with someone about what she had said, then I would try and persuade her of the validity of my position. This, of course, meant that I was uninterested in her thoughts, I just wanted her to agree with mine.

I can’t tell you how much painful experience it has taken for me to realize that just because you don’t agree with me, this just means you have another, different perspective.

Yet this does not mean you avoid arguments. Avoidance is not a particularly powerful strategy. Perhaps you know Portia Nelson’s book, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk. She has a spectacularly insightful poem called:


Avoidance is Portia's Chapter Four - walking down the same street, seeing a deep hole in the sidewalk and walking around it.

Yet this strategy has an even more powerful perspective - choose to be in Chapter Five and walk down another street! This removes the cause of the argument!

Remove the Cause of the Argument

How do you remove the cause? By letting him know you understand his perspective rather than taking the position that he is wrong. His perspective is where he is, it is what he currently thinks - so it must be right for him.

Whenever you find yourself disagreeing with someone else, you have two choices. You can either ignore it, or deal with it. If you ignore it, then the negative emotions are not dealt with, they fester, and can eventually sour the relationship.

To deal with it, it simply makes sense to find out why he has the position he takes. If it’s a more effective position that your own, you can then adopt his. If you see your position makes more sense, then he has the choice either to adopt yours, or to be obstinate.

Whichever is the case, you have the happy result of having investigated the matter, and so you now have a more effective perspective. Even if you didn’t change yours, you are more sure of your perspective because you've examined a different one and understand it. Therefore, your perspective has become stronger.

When you are open-minded enough to investigate, the truth wins, and then everybody wins!

The Reason Behind the Reason

An argument shows that you are not open-minded, you are not prepared to listen to the other person. And your rejection of being open-minded causes you pain.

Yet where is the pain? In your head! If a cut on your foot hurts, you see that the cut is the problem. If a bruise on your arm hurts, you know the location of the problem - your arm. Yet when the pain is inside your head, you insist it's the other person's fault!

Rather see that it's your attitude, your perspective that is faulty. Faulty beliefs tend to cause pain. So change your beliefs! Instead of saying to yourself, 'We disagree, so he must be wrong', rather say:



Your rejection, your dislike of his perspective says that you don't really understand it. Then the universe bring you the ideal situation for you to overcome this deficiency in the way you think. The same situation, often with the volume turned up! The seriousness of each situation often increases the longer you ignore the message. There's a lot of truth in that wonderful French saying:



The good news is that the universe is benevolent. It does not want to cause you pain. So choose to listen to what life tells you when the volume is low, so it doesn’t become more serious. When you decline to listen and learn then pain is another way in which life brings your attention to an area that needs your attention. So don't waste pain, don't ignore it. Learn from it!

Your Dilemma

The impulse to argue when you disagree with someone can be very strong.

After all, if they knew as much about the situation as you know, wouldn't they see the light and correct the error of their ways? But are you being right? Maybe it's you who needs to correct the error of your ways! How can you know?

You cannot know until you take the time to see things in their light. Only then will you understand their perspective. Only then can you make a fully-informed decision.

But this takes time and effort. You need to be able to listen, and then think for yourself.

Your viewpoint may be really yours, yet maybe you are just repeating someone else's perspective, one that you've been taught to believe. So just insisting you are right - and therefore they must be wrong - will eliminate any chance of you improving your understanding.

At Life Strategies, you will learn how to work with these empowering distinctions, how to achieve what you really want to achieve, and not to end up with what you don't want. Learning the amazing possibilities in a disagreement is an important step toward this.

Yet if this wasn't already abundantly clear to you, then self-sabotage has probably stopped you reaching this conclusion!

But I Know All This, some say

Some believe they know all this. But if your disagreements don’t improve your understanding - or turn into arguments - then you do NOT know it, although you may know about it. You can't fool the universe, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Much of the human race lives in denial. And this doesn't mean on the river in Egypt! We say we want:

• to care for the Earth, yet we chop down her rain-forests and plunder her resources as unlimited
  
  
• a society free of rage and violence, then we entertain ourselves - and our children - with TV programs of graphic rage and violence
  

• our young ones to be responsible, yet our school "Zero-Tolerance" laws take that responsibility away by mandating totally disproportionate responses
  

• the truth, yet we follow Adolf Hitler's strategy of lying whenever we think it expedient. After all - doesn't The End Justify The Means?
  

Do any of these strategies work to give us the outcomes that we desire? Isn't there sufficient evidence of their inevitable consequences right in front of our eyes?

If you are not experiencing the results you genuinely want, then you cannot really know "All This." Your experience will change when you have changed.

If any of this speaks to your heart, then you know that truth has its own beauty. The elegance of truth gladdens the heart. If you continue exploring these truths, they will bring amazing joy into your life.

The difference between just knowing about, and authentic knowing, is a crucial distinction which makes a world of difference, one which self-sabotage has obviously been keeping from you.

Stop your Self-Sabotage

Achieving what you really want means learning how to overcome your self-sabotage mechanism. Everyone has one, and it operates all the time.

The self-sabotage mechanism generally operates through context, not through content. What's the difference?

• your context is where you come from when you do what you do
  
  
• your content is what you do, how you handle your affairs
  

So learn to manage your context, and stop your self-sabotage. Find out how to do what works, and not do what doesn't work for you. Do more with less! Invest to learn how you can achieve more while saving both time and energy with this ground-breaking, twenty-first century, e-book program and action plan.

Why Invest in Improving Your Capabilities?

An investment has a return, and your return in stopping your self-sabotage is enormous. There's no bigger return than in improving your capabilities, in becoming more effective. Life Strategies clients experience becoming at least 20% more effective, and one client recently reported an increase of ninety percent after just one year.

In the long run, your increase in effectiveness will increase your earnings by at least the same amount. And the increase is permanent. As Benjamin Franklin famously observed,


How much will a twenty percent increase in earnings amount to in dollars over the rest of your life?

Work this out right now! Don't allow yourself to self-sabotage, take the time to answer to this crucial question this very moment - it'll change your life!

The result of your calculations will prove to you beyond doubt that your increase in earnings will pay for your investment in yourself many, many times over.

Yet, just like heat from a fire, results always take a little time and effort. You first have to buy the logs, then you need to put some kindling in the stove before putting in the wood. Only then can you light and look after the fire, which after a small delay will give you heat.

Enjoy a big 25% discount - as well as some very special bonuses - if you act today. There is no better way to improve your income than by stopping your self-sabotage with...

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Food for Thought